I don't think it's a big secret that I've been struggling lately. My infertility issues (actually, the way I was letting my infertility issues affect me) have been compounded by Alan's extremely busy schedule the past year or so. He is killing himself to get Uberthons off the ground - working from 7-5 at Farmers, home for dinner for an hour or two, and then working on Uberthons stuff until at least midnight every night except Sunday. And, timing or directing a race nearly every Saturday. Even though, I know exactly why he is working so hard and that it really is for the good of our family, I was finding myself becoming more resentful and sad each week. Until about a month ago, that is.
After a discussion about infertility, my wonderful visiting teacher recommended
this blog to me. It sounds rather cheesy to say, but this one blog has changed my life. It's written by an LDS couple who both went through traumatic divorces and infertility then eventually wound up together. It doesn't matter what your own specific trials are though, the TRUTHS Mara and Danny share apply to everyone. Most of their messages are things I've heard in church my entire life. Something about the context and the way they write finally clicked with me however. The change in my heart has been incredible. I have felt so elated and free these last few weeks just because of the realizations I've finally come to.
There is way too much to sum up on my blog, but I'll share a couple of the things that have impacted me the most. First, is the fact that reacting to problems with sadness, anger, or any other negative feeling does nothing but further
POISON
the situation and any relationship involved. When I was walking around home feeling sad that I was lonely, I was just making the problem worse by alienating Alan and being short with Spencer.
This post completely changed the way I act towards Alan and Spencer - the two most important people in my life. My gratitude for them and the hundreds of blessing I have in my life has multiplied by a million. What an incredible feeling! I have been really working to be more positive in my interactions at home. It's hard and I'm probably messing up more than I'm succeeding right now, but the times I do react to little annoyances positively make me feel so good. I never realized how draining it is to hold onto anger and sadness until I chose to let it go.
And that brings me to my other BIG revelation - I can actually CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY. So simple. I can't count how many times I've heard this in my life. I remember my parents telling me this as a kid, but for some reason it never really sank in until now.
President Uchtdorf talked about this some in General Conference last weekend. I almost cried when I heard him talk about not letting our circumstances determine our happiness because it confirmed everything I had been feeling in my heart. Blogs are certainly not scripture, but having some of these same principles confirmed by an apostle testifies of their truth.
It's hard to explain, but I feel like I've gained control of my happiness by letting go of the control I was trying to have over my life. I suppose that I am finally beginning to TRULY accept Heavenly Father's plan for me. I pray that I can keep this faith over time. It's all new and exciting right now, but I'm HAPPY and don't ever want to go back to the sadness I felt for so long. My problems haven't changed. Alan is still busy and we still don't know what path we should pursue with our infertility, but I can handle these circumstances better now and am IMMENSELY grateful for the blessings I do have.
There is so much more I could say, but lessons like this have to be learned for oneself. The whole point of this post is to encourage anyone who might be struggling with similar issues to take a look at A Blog About Love. I don't know if it will touch you the way it has touched me, but I can't keep this a secret. It's too wonderful not to share. I would recommend starting at the very beginning of the blog. I've only gotten through about two months of it so far, but it's powerful stuff.
