It has taken me almost three months to be able to write this post. We always logically knew there was a chance our adoption journey would end without an adoption, but pursuing adoption isn't something you can do half-way. It requires total emotional investment. I have had two distinct and strong impressions that there was another child that needed to come to our family and trusted completely in those experiences. So now that it is all over, I am left feeling heartbroken and confused and grieving the loss of something I never had.
When Alan and I signed on with Faithful Adoption Consultants about two years ago, we decided we'd try to adopt for one more year. Two different people recommended us to FAC within a week of each other and we were excited about having some serious help with finding a match. Our first 12-month contract with FAC ended in January 2023 and I convinced Alan to sign on for 6 more months until our home study expired in June. We both knew we couldn't keep dealing with the emotions for much longer but it made sense to keep going until everything expired at once.
Despite receiving 2-3 adoption cases each week, we were never chosen. Our hopes were dwindling at the beginning of May when I heard a podcast about a couple who had adopted. The podcast mentioned how well this couple utilized social media to find a match and prompted me to post and ask friends and family to share it one more time.(I had mostly quit posting about adoption after we signed on with FAC since we thought we had a better way to find a match through them.)
On May 10th, shortly after publishing that post, Dad called me with information about a potential adoption situation for an 8-month-old baby boy. His Stake President had called him after someone else had told him about the adoption post I wrote. The situation got long and complicated but in short, a member of my parent's stake had asked the Stake President to find a home for his great-grandson. The baby's mother had just been arrested and great grandpa wasn't physically able to care for the baby. He also didn't feel that any of the immediate family members would be suitable guardians. We only had great grandpa's side of the story and from his information, it seemed like there could be a possibility that the baby's mother would consent to an adoption. We knew it was probably a long shot but thought just maybe this was the one that was meant to be since it happened right after I wrote that post and right at the end of our home study.
We soon discovered that it is very difficult to communicate with people who are in jail and tried several ways of making contact with mom through attorneys, but never knew if she received the messages. The days dragged into weeks of feeling a tiny bit hopeful. The Stake President and his wife had taken the baby in and were so kind and happy to communicate with me. They wound up taking care of him for about two months and were just wonderful.
Almost a month after first learning of this baby, we found out that his mother had been released from jail and was not at all interested in placing her son for adoption. After a month of hoping, this was a huge blow and the fact that it happened less than two weeks before our home study expired effectively meant that all of our hopes to adopt were over. To make matters even worse, the news came on the morning of my birthday. I spent the day crying instead of celebrating.
At first I was so angry, furious really, with God. Why had we suffered so much emotional trauma over the last four years if nothing was going to work out? Why did I feel so strongly that we needed to continue trying for so long? Why can't we have the children we want so badly despite huge emotional, financial, and time sacrifices when children are born unwanted and into adverse circumstances every day? I could go on, but suffice it to say that I felt betrayed and so, so angry at the unfairness of it all.
Those intense feelings dissipated after a few days however, as I felt Heavenly Father's love for me through the kindness of others. Elise sent a beautiful bouquet, another friend brought flowers and a hopeful sign with a very thoughtful card, and another left cookies on my doorstep. And the bracelet I had ordered a week or so earlier engraved with the scripture, "Be still and know that I am God" was delivered.
Almost three months later, I am doing better but am still struggling. It still feels unfair and I'm still very sad about this loss. Pregnancies and babies trigger difficult feelings way too often and I don't like talking about it with anyone who's not close family. I am holding onto my faith that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and a Savior who already suffered to make everything unfair and broken about life right again. I don't know how or when that will happen but pray for patience and trust in His plan every day.
Now, I'm trying to move on. Over the summer, I sorted through and donated almost all of the baby and little kid clothes, toys, and equipment I had held onto all of these years. A friend told me about an organization that collects baby and kid items for foster families and that it where I've taken everything that was in good condition. I feel good about giving it to families who are trying to help foster children even though it's painful to drop things off. There are still a few things I couldn't quite bring myself to let go of yet and decided that it's ok if I need a little more time to be ready.
I'm also back to work for my third year as a preschool teacher. It keeps me busy enough that I'm not lonely and bored while the boys are at school, but not so busy that I feel stressed and stretched too thin. It's not a perfect job, but has been a tender mercy for me for sure.
Some days are hard, but I'm trying to look for the good and am holding onto my faith that God is good and that things will somehow work out for the best.
